Ok…dilemma people.  I’m going to Chicago for a b-day weekend w/ my mother. It’s going to be the perfect diet vacation because she has a BMI of like 19 and hates food. She said we can go to the store and buy up Smart Ones. Yes, I’ve come to the point in my life that [...]

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Continue reading → Home Scale Advantage

This week has been hard. It started with an orgasmic display at JoJo’s Pizza involving barbecue chicken thin crust. I would argue that I ate all of my flex points in one glorious sitting.
But last night, my friends, last night. My husband went with quickie dinner prep and made frozen chicken cheese quesadillas for the kids. [...]

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Continue reading → The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn

The LH and I went to see a movie this weekend. Appaloosa…starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortenson. I’ll get to that in a minute. The really important thing was, as always, figuring out what to wear.
I’ve lost about three pounds since starting Weight Watchers Online two weeks ago. I’ll take it. I decided jeans and a [...]

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Continue reading → Appaloosa - A Movie Review (also…how my jeans tried to mind-flurg me)

Hey you! Psssst. Come here! Closer…cuh-lowser!!!!
Listen, there’s this food I found out about. You can eat a ton of it. It’s salty and hot and seriously, they serve it by the bucket. They want you to eat it by the bucket. And you can put butter on it. And here’s what…Weight Watchers hasn’t figured it out [...]

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• Food Restaurant Advertising Collectibles

Continue reading → Best Weight Watchers Food Ever!!!

 
I’ve been good. I swear. I get 22 points a day (which is I think, “roughly” the equivalent of 1300 calories… though WW does it all scientific and factors in fiber, fat, taste, baseline neurosis of the eater etc.) I get 35 “flex” points per week (which means…Greta…don’t give up…even if you break down and [...]

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Continue reading → My First Week on Weight Watchers

For those of you just joining us…Monday I was ranting about how I hate my hair.
 I still hate my hair.
But…I am on day 3 since rejoining Weight Watchers and so far so good. I damn well better lose a pound or 2 this week though or there will be Honeybuns to scarf.
Anyway…I attempted to use [...]

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Continue reading → Does this Hairdo Make Me Look Skinny?

Actual scene between Loser Husband (LH) and me…whilst getting ready for the (no joke) 11th family kid birthday party in the month of September (note to family members…quit having unprotected sex on New Year’s Eve!)
The Set Up:  I have nothing to wear. My fat clothes are tight on me and it’s too depressing to buy bigger fat [...]

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Continue reading → Why I Joined Weight Watchers This Weekend

Razofrakafuganoogit!!!!
 Scientists are now telling me that the only part of my body that will shrink by eating veggies is my brain. Did anyone else read this?
Yeah…ok…trying to breathe here. Let me take if from the top.
Apparently, scientists studied French people who ate lots of veggies. And there brains were smaller (um…the veggie-eaters, not the scientists…but [...]

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Continue reading → Does This Broccoli Make Me Look Stupid?

Since the kiddos are back in school, Kiki and I decided to get back into a regular exercise routine. We’re taking core fitness classes at the Y. Each week, we’re trying something new and we’ll post our review. Last week, we did spinning. This week, we tried Zumba.

From the YMCA program description, “Zumba is a [...]

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Continue reading → It’s Fun to Zumba at the YMCA

I need help DTBMULFers. This time, it’s not just about my muffin top. My friends, our family dog is has entered the diet danger zone. To protect her privacy, let’s just call her Minnie. Well, Minnie is Maxie, apparently. Our vet told us today that Minnie needs to lose 5 pounds. 5 might not seem like a [...]

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Continue reading → Doggie-Style Diet

So, apparently, now the UN has been called in to address my eating habits. Seriously, it’s gotten that bad. My eating is allegedly responsible for Global Warming…not just the combustible muffin top I crammed into my Sarah Jessica Parker Bitten jeans today.
Lemme ’splain. The UN wants me/us to quit eating meat for one day a week so [...]

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Continue reading → Global Warming Diet

Dear Person Who Runs My Department Office:
Hi!
I’m so happy to be back from a long summer break. I’m happy to see your smiling face, typing away. I’m not even annoyed anymore that despite three years of my walking into the office, cheerily saying good morning and giving you flowers at Christmas…you still ask me what my [...]

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Continue reading → Evil Peanut M&M of Doom

 
We interrupt our regularly scheduled diet, humor, bloggy goodness for this very important message.
Greta is FREAKING out!
Yep, yep, absolutely yep. You betcha. I’m not gonna lie. I need you blog peeps. My baby went to all day kindergarten today. My last baby. She’s wittle and teeny and still sleeps with the same blankie I wrapped [...]

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Continue reading → Back to School Diet

It’s not goin’ well peeps. I’ve carbgasmed my way to the end of the summer. I never got it together save for 10 days of lost water weight glory before our vacation.
So I recommit. I’m giving myself until Monday. I will start again on Monday. The kiddos will be in school. Both of them. All [...]

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Continue reading → Diet Confessional

Something happened to me this weekend. An enlightening. An epiphany. The secret to the universe. Now, I know I’ve cried the epiphany wolf before, but this time people, this time is different.
I discovered something amazing. Life altering. Something that puts pep in my step. Vim in my vigor.
I got up, on a Sunday morning wanting [...]

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Continue reading → Blockbuster New Diet Elixir

Oh…the title. Yeah, see, I’m blog-blocked (more on that in a minute). Kiki says we get more hits from “high search” terms. Fact: google people are really interested in Patricia Heaton’s belly button and whether a spray tan will make them fat (and also big Polish sausages, and how many WW points are in lint…no [...]

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Continue reading → Big Fat Denial a/k/a Keely Shay Smith’s Spray Tan and Patricia Heaton’s Belly Button

For this past Mother’s Day, my loser husband bought me a one hour massage.
There really isn’t much I endulge in as far as commercial pampering. No manicures, no pedicures. I have a Ped Egg and some good polish and I’m good to go. I get a professional cut and color 3 times a year and do [...]

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Continue reading → Massage Ettiquette

I see Kiki’s Dara Torres workout of yesterday and raise her the reason why none of us will ever have to diet/workout again.
There’s a miracle product out there people. In about 30 minutes, it sucks your fat back, reduces your “drag time” and makes you 2% faster. Ta da!!

Aw yeah. I could probably become a youtube [...]

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Continue reading → I Will Never Have to Diet Again!!!!! (but I’ll have to wear my pancreas as a necklace)

Happy Monday morning!!!!
 I’m back and suffering from serious post-vacation reentry syndrome. I’ve missed you all terribly. We had a marvelous time and my vacation stats are as follows:
* went without makeup or hair product for 7 days and as far as I know, none of my family members or wildlife were traumatized by this (mercifully, [...]

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Continue reading → Vacation Back Fat

Ok y’all. We are leaving for the lake in 1o hours. By the time you read this, we’ll have been there for 2 or 3 days already (through the magic of the interwebs). In the process of doing the pre-trip laundry, cleaning, packing, I had a lot of time for introspection (ok, not really time per [...]

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Continue reading → How Rough Can You Take It?

So it’s low carb. DAM -MIT!!!
Except I’ve been religiously low carb for 9 days. I’ve lost 5 pounds. We leave for the lake in 3 days. But it’s going to be ok right? It’s just the four of us. Me, my husband and the kids. We’re cooking everything we eat. It won’t be like last year. [...]

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Continue reading → Welcome to My Anxiety Attack. Have Some Dip.

T-minus 5 days in the Vacation Fat Emergency. We are living for the lake on Saturday. There will be sun, there will be fun, there will be me in a swimsuit.
I am on day 7 of Atkins induction. I have been good as gold. I have lost 2 pounds.
So…I whipped out the ketostix this morning [...]

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Continue reading → O Mighty Ketosis…osis….osis

The other day I posted about my tips for dealing with those extra pounds that I was planning to lose before vacation, but didn’t. Among other things, I ordered new bathing suits online. Well…they came today.
This one was a bust, I’m afraid. I dunno, it just didn’t hold me in like I was hoping and [...]

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Continue reading → Vacation Fat Emergency II - I’m Saved!!!!!

As always, I started out the year with the best of intentions. Kiki has reported that since starting this blog, she has lost 13 pounds. Woot! I, unfortunately, have ended up with a net gain of about 6 lbs. She’s lucky I’m contractually required to think she is awesome.
 Ok, but my vacation starts [...]

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Continue reading → Vacation Fat Emergency

Yesterday, I posted about The Summer ‘08 Great Closet Purge. As I suspected, we all have that one dress/pair of jeans/mini skirt/bikini that we hang on to year after year, thinking maybe just maybe someday…
Well, in my case, I realized that the fall-out from my closet purge(not to mention the reason why I don’t fit in [...]

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Continue reading → I AM My Muffin Top (Part II)

It’s inevitable.
 Every year, sometimes twice a year I feel a swelling unease that consumes my thoughts to a point I can’t bear. Until it finally crescendoes into day long, frenzied closet/drawer purge.
Gah!
It happened this weekend. When it was over, I had six yard bags filled to the brim. They are stacked in my dining room awaiting transport to [...]

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Continue reading → I AM My Muffin Top (Part I)

Ugh. Food/sun/pool/fireworks coma here. How ’bout you?
A few days ago, I decided to go on South Beach Supercharged. Except I refuse to do the Phase I/like Atkins induction. Of course, I blew the holiday weekend. I have to start over. Which got me thinking…what day of the week do you like to start your diet? [...]

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Continue reading → Monday is D-Day…Unless You’re Bin Laden

I’d planned to a whole “look at me!” post.  It was going to be awesome. 8-10 lbs….GONE! About a month ago, I started hard core Atkins again. I kept it a secret because I was afraid to jinx it (hmmm….should have thought of that BEFORE starting this weight loss/health/humor blog). I made it to day 13. [...]

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Continue reading → Supercharge Me!